Our society is a paradox.  In a time in which the majority pays good money to look young, our culture works hard creating a feeling of inferiority in those who are actually young.  And while those who work with young men bemoan the loss of strong male role models, many columnists are recognizing the fact that our young men are being emasculated in mass (http://www.zerohedge.com/news/2013-06-20/32-facts-show-how-men-are-being-systematically-emasculated-america-today).

How do we do that?  I’ve watched many families struggle with rearing young men.   Except for the truly psychotic, no one thinks, “I think I’m going to work really hard to mess up my kid and limit his future options.”  All of them want to do their bests.  Here’s the problems I see.  Below are the top ten unintentional actions I’ve seen weaken the young men in their development.  Consider these a formula for failure.

1. Make all decisions for him.  When he refuses to make life choices, don’t let him fail.  Take action for him. After all, he can live with you for as long as he wants.
2. Allow him to make all decisions.  Let him choose where he goes to school.  Let him choose what the rules of the house should be.  Let him decide what to eat before dinner.  Let him choose his own belief system with no intervention from you. Teach him that he is so special that no one else really matters.
3. Don’t let him deal with teachers directly.  Go in and argue on his behalf.  Let him realize that he should have no fear of authority and that authority is against him.  Always believe his side of the story in a conflict.  Don’t show him possible errors in his logic, or flaws in his character.
4. Expect him to tell you everything that is hurting and upsetting him.  If he says he doesn’t want to talk about it, keep hounding him until he doesn’t want to ever share anything with you again.  Ignore the fact that we men, with our weak corpus callosums, take longer to figure out what’s bugging us.  Don’t give space.  See #5.
5. Don’t allow him to have space to grow.  Talk to him constantly.  Demand that he tells you every aspect of their day. Go into his room regularly and search through his things.
6. Never look into what he’s doing.  Never ask to see his texts or watch who his friends are.  He can think through this alone.
7. Let your life revolve around him.  This will increase his dependence on you (refer to #1 and get the basement ready).  It will also give you an increased sense of being needed, and that feels good.
8. Mother should spend double the amount of time with him than Father to totally emasculate him.  This will teach him that the female problem solving dynamic is the only problem solving dynamic and that if he uses male problem solving tactics, he’s wrong.
9. Never allow him to change his mind.  If he doesn’t like something today, don’t teach him to hang in there and honor commitment.  He needs to learn at a young age that others should react to him.
10. Skip praying for him.  You have a lot on your plate.  Parenting is hard.  Let the folks at school do the rearing.  That’s what they get paid for.

The parent with “issues” is sometimes easy to see:  the mom who still wears skinny jeans, the dad that cusses out the umpire.  But the sin of loading our own baggage into our children’s luggage compartments is often more subtle.  It influences everything from the way we prioritize discipline to the way we choose conflict avoidant or passive aggressive behavior.

As one who works with parents for a living, I’ve seen a huge increase in the number of parents who have not faced directly their own hurts and pain.  These parents have learned from their parents (or have self-taught) the art of avoiding pain by not addressing problems head on.  In my own life I’ve developed a set of questions to help me realize if my parenting issues are due to baggage that has created the avoidance of pain:

1. Am I sending off an email to avoid meeting face to face because I’m afraid the confrontation will be painful?  Who hurt me to cause me to avoid this person?
2. Am I ignoring pain, telling myself that a situation is not worth the bother? Do I mask it by calling it forgiveness? When did that last work for me?
3. Am I slow to show grace because the last time I showed grace it was not well received?  In what way was that grace recipient like this person?
4.  Do I feel the need to “check with other parents” to see if they are having the same struggles I am with a teacher or coach? Why am I so afraid to meet with the individual in a Biblical manner? What is the root to that issue?
5. What or who has hurt me so deeply that I “just can’t go through it again”? Why can’t I go through it again?  Why can’t I use it to show grace?

Grace—undeserved favor—is the only way to cure the past baggage of pain.  Grace often involves giving someone kindness, understanding, and forgiveness when they absolutely do not deserve it. Grace can only be found in going directly to Christ with the expectation that He will help us carry the hurt.

There is an old Latin phrase used by doctors,” Ubi pus, ibi evacua.”  It means, if there is pus, there must be evacuation.  Gross, I know.  But puss has to be removed from the human body.  Why?  Because it contains the damages of a battle the body has performed on infection.  The war remains have to be removed for the health of the body.  Not a bad quote for emotional healing either.